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"It Is As If"

by Mister Alison

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Chris Gummert
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Earthlings
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1.
Silent Conspiracy 05:13
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The ins and outs of my own devices I'm as fresh as sunlight and my cylinder is brass So pure you don't see the smoke when I exit the chamber Turning water into power I'm a tournament of roses It's my cake to take, baby Obsession is nine tenths of the draw It's just a purposeful accident Now you're talking I'm the American Federation of Style One by one I'll knockout the rank and file Keep ticklin' your Burroughs machine Riley got nothing on me There ain't no such animal! Cooler than a railcar pulling out of the stockyards Smooth as pneumatic tires Snap as many photos as you want to, hello! I pledge allegiance to the Eiffel Tower, and the view from balcony of the Chelsea Hotel The lady of the house is standing in the Harbor Lay down the law and clear the air As a matter of fact I am scraping the sky with my cold Dr. Pepper and my central heat I'm the matador of life's roller coaster An incontrovertible solution to an otherwise unsolved mystery It's bingo night at the Knights of Columbus and I am dressed to the nines Going to get a screw loose chasing the wild goose The punishment will fit the crime Before he went out for a roll of Scott's Emile sang along with the gramophone Said he'd check the crank on his way back Oklahoma would be our new home Social butterfly, life of the party, writing shorthand with my Waterman pen Smelling of Mum's and breathing Listerine I guess I'll get divorced again
2.
No Dice 02:18
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Sitting on a flagpole, picking at a band-aid, a captain of industry, doing what comes naturally Sorting my heebies from my jeebies I can fake copacetic as good as Louis when he smiles, for crying out loud your guess is good as mine Miss America! How 'bout an Eskimo Pie? Put a good word in for me with the League of Nations With ears full of wooden nickels it's easy to fantasize, I'll pour a couple of continental cocktails name your poison . . . Monkey see, monkey do, you can't take it with you, you can't leave it here or live in a motel Boilermakers and Black Bottom, some cans of Chef Boy-Ar-Dee This is heaven or a Beautyrest, hey! That rings a bell . . . Confucius say, “X marks the spot.” You and me both let's take a bow Stop me if you've heard this one, what you see is what you got Pajamas, whiskers and “meow.”
3.
(Do The) Crawl 04:37
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All my boats were burning so I got on the motorbus But I was still in the frying pan Feeling cheap at half the price, looked into my stereopticon device Started double checking my S&H stamps It's a cinch my face would stop a clock Lost my count and missed my stop Took my army knife to my pineapple can It's a small world and Sigmund sat on the seat beside me He's more than a little off his trolly Offered to take me for Chop Suey Couched it as an “errand of mercy” I told him I pictured Cleopatra as a Gibson girl He was alternating bites of Hershey bar and shredded wheat And he leaned in too close and breathed, “between you and me . . .” The driver announced Ellis Island I said “Sig, my feet are killing me.” He said, “You need your head examined.” I replied, “I need a submarine.” That guy's something about him, I must admit That meeting was a blessing in disguise Yeah, I'll never get elected to nothing in Christchurch But I may be in the running for a Nobel Prize I wonder if I can walk from here to Coney - Or I'm biting off more than I can chew If I could get a dose of someone else's medicine That would wash the salt from my wounds Wash the salt from my wounds Back to the mines
4.
Blood, Sweat & Tears 03:49
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Let's fill up the Tucker, get a can of Coppertone See those Black Hills together, we've done enough Jitterbug at home This is a story about the caves of Lascaux, I recorded it for you But I dropped it and I broke it, so I put it back together with epoxy glue You ain't seen nothin' yet I heard it on the FM and the color TV, Ironed my suit and packed my zoom lens Wrapped a batch of Betty Crockers in tinfoil, let the 8 ball pass us this time Got a box of Bazooka rockets, let's straighten up and fly bebop This Siamese town is strictly for the birds, I'm just shaking my head to loosen up the rocks There's no percentage in the Joneses, that's my two cents and nothing more Life begins on Highway 12, when you gotta go, you gotta go, gotta go To coin a phrase, this ain't our scene, the party's started I can hear the clinking glass Get a load of what the doctor ordered, let's skip to the head of the class Chips are down and the boring men always finish last Let's humding out of the hotseat and hotrod to the end of the world We got a blind date with dead presidents, call me what you like but you're my girl We'll be blowing bubbles at the pinball machines, flipping jumpshots and Cheerios Let's bust a block together, we gotta do what we gotta do Let's go
5.
For The Hell Of It 04:24
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Riding a camel into Pennsylvania Station Got my finger prints all over it Sinking my teeth into the lines at the dog track another day, another dollar, ain't it the truth? No fooling, no kidding, I see red! A Kewpie doll with cellophane lipstick foxtrots past while others march My neon geiger counter goes pop-up toast and I back crawl through the amber light get a grip on my ripcord drop into the pocket for the forward pass cool as a Carrier I present my parcel For the hell of it I may not be tall I may not be dark I may not be handsome That comes out in the wash, wait and see Can we get something straight from the horse's mouth I'm precisely what I'm cracked up to be Both my left feet can do the tango I can disprove several facts of life You don't have to wait for father's day to meet your daddy how 'bout you and me share some daylight savings time? Her answer was swiftly sent by air mail Nothing to write home about She may have mentioned the Grand Canyon So I replied to clarify any doubt I said, “Machu Picchu? Don't mind if I do! All dressed up and here I go. You don't have to believe in worker's compensation And you can't have any of my Oreos.” Business as usual, I'm doing things I wouldn't do But, aw shucks . . . the good word is that I do come here often I had a shot and missed the boat It's just another nail in the coffin For the hell of it
6.
'Twas Not To Be 03:55
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Feeling vulcanized, can't believe my eyes In the Woolworth's with a purse full of zero Tom Cook made it to Rome, I could feel it in my bones Caught a cable car out of San Francisco A mouthful of the grapes of wrath my lease on life was mimeographed I was sliding through the streetlights as if the streets were Vaseline My bait is cut but there's no fish, I Leslied myself a cavendish Laid chalk on the Derby, told Reynaud he's full of beans Hopkins watering the sidewalk sez he's going to the zoo, “Put a hat on, you'll catch your death of cold!” I'm going to watch the flames turn Chicago into Troy Then celebrate Arbor Day in Monte Carlo Six of one! Here Six of one! There Six of one! Everywhere A half dozen of the other The balls nearly froze off the brass monkey Packer tongue in cheeking on the log Loud enough to wake the dead, twirled a finger around his head Ordered a blue-blood from the Ward's catalog A bad woman's love is a stump in a glove, a credential that's delivered by post I'm all thumbs when it comes to correspondence And I swear I know there's diamonds on the African coast In my way I am as fit as a fiddle Floating pure as ivory The burning question answered It was not to be one or the other, you must choose . . .
7.
Is That So? 03:14
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By the skin of my teeth I got out of that pool hall, I tasted gold when I was licking my chops A cloud of Brooklyn sparrows startled by a steam roller, I caught repose and leaned on a mailbox Crum leaned into me and says, “The puck is gonna drop!” I recognize the Colt that he's got stashed He says, “They're drillin' oil and nobody is ever going to rot! Keep followin' your nose the die is cast.” Is that so? - The rotary motion Is that so? - The killing machine Is that so? - The fire alarm - The pistol is ready to fire and the letter is ready to go In the elevator to the fifth floor of a New York City department store I dreamed of natural selection and I am beyond belief My mischief almost got my spots knocked off And this paper bag full of potato chips reminds me of a photo of a solar eclipse I hear the Wedding March played on calliope I wished that I could wash my clothes in Oakland - Before my introduction in Los Angeles Instead I'll take a frankfurter and some Worcestershire sauce With one foot in the grave I'll get my beauty sleep Is that so? - My best foot forward Is that so? - The lock and the key Is that so? - Start the ball rolling The can is open the coil's red hot on the stove Is that so? - Cut to the quick Is that so? - It's a dead certainty Is that so? - The fourteen ton bell is ringing both ends are burning and we can make our own kerosene
8.
An Hasty Retreat 03:01
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Spit out my gum and paid for a martini - Inquired about the dynamite factory Bartender pointed with a corkscrew - Then turned his attention to the ice machine Let's fill our pockets with peanuts - Watch a zoetrope and ride on roller skates I got a postcard from Vienna says it's gonna rain in London - And how to win a bicycle race I overheard Whitehead, rattling like a ten barrel - Madder than a hatter Paid to have a photo of a route between seas Patting himself down for his passport - The jig is up and he is absent without leave Maybe I'm just crossing a concrete bridge - Perhaps I need a Turkish bath I have been accused of stealing bases - The Marquess can kiss! My! Ass! Let's wash our hands and see the peep show - Take a Pullman to Yosemite How about a can of salmon and Tabasco - I'm gonna get my Ph. D Let's beat an hasty retreat I had to blow off steam so I crossed some linoleum Checked on the Red Stockings - Caught the elevated train A T-man with false teeth asked directions to the dog show I ducked into Stewart's to get out of the rain Keep saying my cupboard's got a skeleton - I'll tell you that it ain't Never got a medal of honor - I'm just an old hand at mixing paint Cooking that goose with margarine - Let me in the back seat Far be it from me to bet your life - The river's filling up with meat Let's beat an hasty retreat
9.
Fit To Be Tied 02:46
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The call of the wild is on the wireless the electric orange of the tubes is a collection of comets in jars save me a slice of the sky, serve it in safety glass going over my points in the cat bird seat pantomiming the cake walk on fairy floss Peary hollers down, “Is everybody happy?” waiting on Shackleton's reply After the graveyard shift, I'm a dyed in the wool conservationist keepin' my shirt on, replacing my battery Ziggy's got the boy scouts singing on the victrola Morgan busy sucking up his rug Emmeline is pressing all her baseball cards get off my back I'm just enjoying my pepsi Oh, Marie, you and me, obviously, the second time around I meant to send a teddy bear but I lost my bearings in the subway search me how I wound up under the Hudson I knew I should have taken the Oldsmobile But I was slumming with an ice cream cone pretending it was the Cullinan If it ain't one thing it's another - isn't that what you always say? So, how's tricks, pardon my French - long time no see I shudder when I remember Leavenworth the Browning's on the bakelite, on the wall is the phone I got Sanka and a pot to piss in and my feet are dry, thanks to Dr. Scholl There's no harm in trying to face the music Is it really such a dastardly crime to let the good times roll Laissez les bon temps roulez Place a call to triple A Turn the page on this Imperial decade That's all there is and there ain't no more
10.
Flying Leaves 03:20
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(Armed to the teeth on the trail) of a murder of crows A riot running in my socks full of odds and ends Wearing and tearing in my Faraday coat The sax sounds crazy as a loon Withdrew the blinds to see the flicker of Neptune A toast to life with a sip from the coward's cup - Exquisite suffering from a swarm of bluetail flies I have come with a tear of repentance - Dark top coat, Light top hat and a pelerine Marie runs off with the Tyrolian Sofronia is married to the Lord Irene takes the weight of the Capitol collapse Senta sees the bottom of a Fjord Elizabeth didn't get to witness The staff that sprouted leaves After the moonrise the masks are removed in the forest A rip fulfills the prophecy (Scantily clad) with a vested interest Wisdom tooth fixed in Baltimore Blowing up the buoy to get us over the shoal Hanging out in the ballroom Having a laugh over nitrous Me and Fiz standing still while the rest of the world goes backward A toast to life with a sip from the coward's cup - Exquisite suffering from a swarm of bluetail flies I have come with a tear of repentance - Dark top coat, Light top hat and a pelerine Marie runs off with the Tyrolian Sofronia is married to the Lord Irene takes the weight of the Capitol collapse Senta sees the bottom of a Fjord Elizabeth didn't get to witness The staff that sprouted leaves After the moonrise the masks are removed in the forest A rip fulfills the prophecy A toast to life with a sip from the coward's cup - Exquisite suffering from a swarm of bluetail flies I have come with a tear of repentance - Dark top coat, Light top hat and a pelerine
11.
Tale Twice Told 04:17
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(Dreamed of) seeing you at the Well of Seven Empty skin and an arrow away Chuckling at something from Fraser's How all the soap and candles look the same I whispered loud, “Let's split the poison.” Couldn't see your face through the veil Moonshine cast shadows on my memory Clouds obscured this twice told tale When I awoke I remembered you asked after Blanche But I was just admiring her pumps The Brooks Brothers threatened to pattern my cravat When I declared Texas a dump Wearing masks that looked like ourselves Telling secrets that weren't true Between you, me and the gatepost Dear flowers, perished too soon We thought we were following freedom Navigating little tragedies Carefully maintaining our mackintoshes But sitting through a circus of fleas Without the will to be able to know Helpless watching Paris fail The moon is in my wallet or maybe in your pocket A talisman of a twice told tale I think we planned to meet at a soda fountain Maybe go under and how deep Or we were supposed to dance the Lancers I blew it and fell back to sleep Now my eyes are crossed at the grindstone My blanket is giving me a cold Heads you win, tails I lose I declare this a tale twice told
12.
Empire State 02:57
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I'm a stereo marathon, I'm a singing telegram I am air conditioned, electric teflon I am I am continent to continent, I'm a swinging butterfly I'm a toll house of unamerican activity I am Rudolf the red nosed Rockefeller I'm a can of Krueger and an Alka Seltzer, a Bellini at Harry's I was Istanbul before Constantinople I'm a forty hour monopoly I was all stars before Cooperstown I'm a spangled valley authority I'm a Lambeth walking blood bank I am cash on the bonehead I am Persia warmed over I am cooking with Kool-Aid I am the calm before the Contract Bridge I am the golden george I'm the short, the sweet and the Smirnoff I am separated from the men and boys I am the stewardess rumba I'm the ball that is lost in the lights I'm the coaxial exchange commission I'm flying by the ants in my pants I am the tango solo I am a monkey's truck I am a mouthful of Yoakumberry tonic That goes double for that copy cat Carlson I am a good clean complex I'm what you say to all the girls Life's like a bowl of ham, pull down your Ray-Bans Button your guts and let your knees down Park your stork in New York, bring on the dancing queens Dig! You! Later!
13.
Nursery Rhyme 03:36
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Bushy and G.G. led through the doors Sign said "All Hope Abandon Ye Who Enter Here" - 'Cept in Cantonese Cast a Mandarin glance, figured it for hyperbole Or at least a juicy introduction Spent an unfair share assimilating the ticks and tocks While my emotional astrolabe confounds the Homeward passage Circumnavigating the seen before Bays and plains, coasts and steppes Entrances of forbidden invitation Turnupons and three ways Peppered by the question, "You lookin' for somethin'?" Soothed my thumb gently over a button Consumed by the ruffles in her neckline Gobbling her all the way to her bonnet Dreaming headrest fingertips Thoroughly unfair, obnoxious and fragile, getting a callous from my pulse Just paddling up the mainstream The cool lingo soothes the “purposes of wrath” A pang of mysterious reflection, “Who's that handsome devil?” Proportional exhibition - Infinitely unutterable A keyhole unfit to conceive Leo put Doom in his ear and it came out of Blake's We commence to air our vocabulary Reached into my sheaf of lucifers Smith asked if I could smell the salt of the lake I can see the four walls clearly through the gaslight Rolling over, can we do another take? Play “Home Sweet Home” on the concertina Cue the key bugle and the valved cornet Caught the gaze of an owl, big as the moon Long after he'd watched me hedge my bet
14.
Make a Wish (For Me) 04:01
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Halfway across the water – Portage on the crest Wild as an onion at the end of the trail A close fitting bodice – from her shoulders past her waist On the White River through the Shield So it goes, so its been – dreaming's fine with a skin of wine Sleeping and smoking, just wake up on time In those good news golden arms full of lucky charms – you can eat right off the tree “When you get there, make a wish for me” Beyond the Pines – roughly flowing, a river that bends like a bow Someone had my back on the Skeena when I got sat next to a bluenose Flying through Windsor or Northern Spirits through Churchill Little Bear from Cochrane to Moosonee – or the sight of Lake Ontario Rupert Trematon passes abruptly with his helmet on - Dazed he invades my repartee “When you get there, make a wish for me” The young deer calls to its mother “When you get there, make a wish for me”

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released August 14, 2019

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Mister Alison Toronto, Ontario

A dystopian cabaret drawing from urban rivers and emptying into a darkly stirring show.

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